


twenty seconds

by cardeloons



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:27:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26220382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardeloons/pseuds/cardeloons
Summary: "When Jen sees more love in the brunette’s eyes than she thinks should be possible, she knows the time has come."Inspired by this quote from We Bought a Zoo: “You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	twenty seconds

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finally posting my first attempt at writing fic to contribute a tiny droplet of fluff to the tidal wave of poetic brilliance that's already been posted in the archive today.
> 
> Thank you to @queenC_13 for beta-ing this - it was very much needed and appreciated <3

Jen and Judy are putting their wine glasses away after sitting outside all evening, having enjoyed the simple pleasure of being together, unclouded by secrets. They hadn’t bothered turning on the lights, thinking they would only be there for a moment before continuing to Jen’s bedroom. The light of the full moon flooding in through the glass doors mixed with the remaining heat from a long summer day, lulls them both into comfortable, warm silence. 

When Jen turns around from putting the remainder of their wine away in the fridge (neither felt the need for more than one glass tonight) she almost gasps at the sight before her.

Judy is leaning against the kitchen island looking at her with the softest smile she thinks she’s ever seen. Judy, her Judy, is standing in their kitchen bathed in moonlight, looking back at her like that. When Jen sees more love in the brunette’s eyes than she thinks should be possible, she knows the time has come. 

It’s something she’s been processing for a while. Jen can now admit, in the privacy of her internal thoughts, that she is in love with Judy. She’s spent weeks trying (and failing) to push her feelings away - the fear of losing Judy if she admits her feelings taking precedence in her mind. It isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t think Judy might feel the same way about her, but Jen knows herself. Knows how she messed everything up before and how she’d inevitably mess everything up again, one way or another. Judy deserves better than that, even if she doesn’t believe it herself.

Jen had clung to that reasoning until about a week ago when she had been lying alone in the dark, unable to sleep without the comforting warmth of her friend next to her. (They hadn’t acknowledged it, but since the accident Judy had become an increasingly frequent feature in Jen’s bed through the night.) After staring at the ceiling for what could have been hours, Jen was overwhelmed by a thought, seemingly out of nowhere - of Judy finding someone else to love and moving out. The weight of it sat firmly on her chest, making the rapid thumping of her racing heart all the more noticeable. When Jen imagined her secret hope of them spending their lives together slipping away... well, that was scarier than anything else. 

In an effort to distract her body from the impending panic, Jen had gotten out of bed and paced her room until the sun began to rise and she deemed it acceptable to spin her feelings away. After thirty minutes of furious cycling Jen had come to the conclusion that the inevitability of losing Judy to someone else was worse than the potential of losing Judy because of her own actions. So she was going to figure out how to tell Judy she was in love with her. She had to. She wasn’t ready yet, but she’d make herself actively confront these feelings instead of burying them deep inside. 

And standing here now, enveloped in summer heat and soft moonlight, Jen has never been so sure of anything in her life; she wants to spend every single day of the rest of her life with this woman. The shift from friendship to something more hovers almost tangibly in the air between them. And she feels calm. So calm she almost questions it. Almost. But she feels ready.

Propelled forward by something a romantic might call fate, Jen starts to walk over to where Judy is still standing against the kitchen island. As she approaches the brunette, Jen realises her eyes have dropped to the floor. She takes a deep, steadying breath and slowly lifts her eyes, meeting Judy’s which are sparkling back at her in the soft light. 

_Oh god, she’s so beautiful._

Their eyes lock, both searching the other’s for what they hope is there. Something they had both been imaging for a long time now. 

“Hi,” Jen whispers, cringing internally at not being able to come up with a better way to break the silence. But she’s immediately met with a small smile and a “hi” whispered in return.

The blonde’s eyes begin to water, her face crinkling with the effort of persuading her tear ducts to stay strong, but finding little success. As a tear escapes down her cheek, Jen lets out a short laugh as she wipes at her face, buying herself a few seconds longer. 

“Fuck. Sorry. I don’t know what’s happening with me...” 

Judy smiles, small and hesitant, waiting for Jen, giving her the space to take the leap Judy can sense she is finally ready to make. She knows what’s happening, knows that Jen also does know what is happening. 

She hopes her smile is grounding. Reassuring. Because Judy is, in fact, fairly sure her heart is about to beat right out of her chest.

  


* * *

  


In truth, Judy has been waiting for this moment for weeks now. There had been a recent shift in their interactions, almost imperceptible, but a recognition had set in. They had gotten through a year of drama and pain and are firmly on the other side. For the past few months they had been living in their house with their boys, a picture of domesticity. 

Judy had encouraged them both to speak to therapists and, after initial reluctance, Jen had agreed. They had both been working separately through their past traumas and grief, and had identified and started to work on overcoming the vastly different coping mechanisms they clung to; Judy, a people-pleaser to a fault, and Jen, filled with rage and unable to see a life without it. 

Some nights while cuddled on the outdoor sofa watching tv and drinking wine one of them would share what they were working on. Usually Judy opened up first, and gradually Jen had started to share as well once she realised the world didn’t come tumbling down around her. 

Judy listened and supported and reassured; she was present for Jen in a way she had never had before.

One night when the pair had been sitting in comfortable silence for some time, Jen brought up that her recent discussions had been about opening herself up to love again. When the blonde had disclosed that maybe she wasn’t actually closed off to the idea of being happy and in love again, Judy thought that it was the softest and most vulnerable she had ever seen the other woman. 

Their eyes had locked like they often did, and Judy caught Jen briefly glancing down at her lips before calmly shrugging, picking up her wine and pulling Judy back into her side as she turned her attention back to the tv. 

Judy had noticed the blonde glance at her lips before, but it had always been followed by Jen pulling away in a panic or changing the subject. That time was different. That time, Judy had felt something shift between them.

So that night, hope had begun to settle in Judy’s heart as she lay in the guesthouse. And she didn’t immediately dismiss it this time. She let herself bathe in the possibility that the woman she loved might almost be ready to love her back, fully. 

After a long moment of lying peacefully with images of her dream life (which didn’t look all that different to her current life if she was honest), she resolved to be there for Jen and support her, but not push. Judy would be a constant, reassuring presence, letting Jen know she was there and did not plan to go anywhere. Trying to let Jen know - without words - that whenever Jen was ready to make the leap, Judy would be waiting to catch her with open arms and an eager heart.

  


* * *

  


Judy is brought back to the moment, hearing a whisper from Jen. 

“Judy…” she pauses again, then quietly groans in frustration. “Why is this so fucking hard?” 

The blonde lets out another nervous laugh, eyes darting around the room, but not able to stray far from the place she is finally accepting as home. She is no longer trying to stop the steady stream of quiet tears falling down her cheeks, noticing the brunette’s eyes are also now glistening in the moonlight.

Judy takes the blonde’s hand in hers and squeezes lightly, trying to convey that she is here; she is in this moment too, ready to take that leap with her. Jen just needs to say the word. 

The brunette strokes her thumb over the back of Jen’s hand. As Jen glances down at their entwined fingers, the gentle caress soothes her, and she takes another steadying breath. 

Jen looks back to Judy’s eyes, finding a serene warmth beaming firmly back at her. In that moment, Jen knows that she won’t regret this. She tells herself that if she can find just twenty seconds of insane courage, everything she hopes for might actually settle into place. 

“I think you know this already, and you’ve been so fucking patient with me, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you.” 

Encouraged by a smile brighter than the sun threatening to break across Judy’s face, Jen clarifies: “I’m in love with you. And I think by some miracle that maybe we’re on the same page?” 

Jen sees Judy about to speak but quickly continues, wanting to give the brunette an easy out, just in case she’d read the situation wrong.

“But maybe I’m reading this wrong and you don’t feel the same way, and that’s fine too. I mean, c’mon, why would someone as kind and beautiful and wonderful as you even speak to me, nevermind love me back?” Jen trails off, not sure she’s finished yet but not sure what to say next.

Before Jen can continue, Judy smiles the warmest smile Jen has ever seen and, as if in slow motion, the brunette is raising a hand to the blonde’s cheek and wiping away a tear. “Oh Jen,” it comes out almost as a whisper, “How could I not?”

Both are trying to find the next thing to say, searching each other’s eyes for the next move. There’s so much more than could be said - and maybe will need to be said another time - but they know each other. They innately understand each other. They have since the beginning.

So Jen digs deep to grab hold of her final few seconds of embarrassing bravery, knowing now that something truly great is on the other side.

“Judy,” the blonde smiles wider despite herself. “Can I kiss you now?”

The brunette releases the breath she feels she’s been holding for months, matching Jen’s huge smile. “Please do”.

Jen gently raises her hand to Judy’s neck and pulls her in, meeting her halfway to bring their lips together for the first time. The kiss is soft, softer than anything Jen has ever experienced in her life. It’s better than anything she’s ever imagined.

A little too soon for Jen’s liking, Judy pulls back from the kiss. But then she’s whispering, “In case it wasn’t clear, I’m in love with you too, Jen. I love you so, _so_ much.”

And before Jen can respond Judy is pulling her in for another kiss, this time taking control. Their second kiss quickly becomes more heated. When Jen feels Judy run her tongue over her bottom lip, she can’t stop the moan that escapes her mouth. She melts into the kiss, succumbing to Judy’s warmth enveloping her.

Moments later Judy slides her hand from Jen’s neck down her arm and entwines their fingers. She pulls back from Jen enough to look in her eyes and Jen sees a smirk forming on her face. Judy begins to walk backwards, guiding them toward the staircase. 

As Jen follows the woman she loves up the stairs to their bedroom, filled with the most thrilling mix of nervousness and excitement, she realises she’s finally found the meaning of home.


End file.
